So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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