I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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