6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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