You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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