I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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