Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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