I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
