I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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