no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
