I am spending my child support on dildos
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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