My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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