my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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