I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
