I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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