Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
