Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
