walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Dignity is for republicans.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
