They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
