Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
