If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
