did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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