my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
