i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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