My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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