Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
