mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i think my mom watched the whole time
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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