hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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