Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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