I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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