it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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