I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
