He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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