I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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