A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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