my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
