i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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