Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
