Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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