I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
