Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
