am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
