highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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