I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
