Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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