bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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