Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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