chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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