I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
