Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
