i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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